I actually like Anthropologie.

I know that’s an odd admission from a middle-aged man, given that not only do they famously not sell men’s clothing, but they specialize in an unique style of women’s clothing that’s best described as Stevie Nicks opening an Etsy store, But my wife has been long drawn to their is-it-a-sweater or is-it-a-bathrobe mantra, and as a result I find myself wandering the pine-candle-scented aisles in many locales around the globe. 

And of course, they sell more than clothes. It started with quirky yet mass-produced mugs. Pottery for those who like the idea of pottery more than actual, you know, pottery. And then they got big into the Christmas game (we have 2 different sets of stockings from them, neither of which we actually use). But I’d be lying if it didn’t sort of have grudging respect for the eyes of their buyers, who have the ability to find wildly impractical items and make them seem indispensable once they hit their studied rough hewn shelves. It’s a huge chain that has the ability to make all those shopping there feel like they’re fantastically unique.

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Like, what sort of crazy bohemian would buy a pair of wicker benches that are in the shape of springboks, a phrase heretofore only ever uttered by Wes Anderson? My wife and I, of course. By which I mean she bought them and I said, of course. But, seriously though, how cool are those guys? One of them broke within a week of someone actually trying to sit on it (what an idiot!), but, small price to pay to be our own people.

But even I have limits. And this unbelievably cute pizza cutter is my Waterloo. Let’s examine what the function of a pizza cutter is. It’s a sharpened wheel, attached to a handle, that enables you to exert downward force on said wheel, should you need some leverage to cut through a crispy crust. And a crispy crust is what most good pizzas possess. It’s been a pretty basic design for decades. Sure most are functional and unexciting, but heavyweights like Alessi have weighed in as well with designs that are sleek and functional.

Into this decidedly not a void comes Anthropologie with an idea that I assume some wizard thought would revolutionize the sector.


“What,” wondered the chief twee officer, “if we put a golden rabbit atop a pizza wheel to give people some joy in their sad lives.” Excellent idea, said all present, and just like that the single worst pizza cutter ever was put into production. And shortly thereafter it was seen by my wife who, undeterred by the “Springbok Incident,” bought two.

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Take a look at the design if you will. Closely, please. Now imagine gripping the rabbit. Anything pop to mind? The tail you say? Yes the rabbit’s tail is small and pointy and juts out right where the soft part of the human hand would logically take hold the tool€”a decision made all the more puzzling because rabbits famously don’t have pointy tails: everyone who’s ever read Beatrix Potter or gone to UVic knows they have soft round ones that wouldn’t hurt your hand at all if you grasped them.

But if you’re thinking, well anyone can make one design mistake, I encourage you to address your gaze to the rabbit’s excessively pointy ears, which jut back aggressively to the soft part of your hand between your thumb and trigger finger. So the pad of your hand is being jabbed by the tail, the front is being poked by the ears… now press down with force. And it’s Spanish Inquisition time. I can’t tell you the number of things I’ve confessed to while simply trying to slice a pizza.

If you can stop wincing, it’s actually laughably bad. I suppose it’s sort of a weight loss tool, because it makes the process of slicing a pizza in an exercise in just how much you’re willing to suffer to eat. It would probably be a great for pizza and hair shirt night at the local chapter of Opus Dei.

So Anthropologie, you’re on notice. I don’t have an endless capacity for self flagellation. If you craft a cheeky espadrille with an armadillo shaped sole you can count me out. Or a sea urchin corkscrew€”hard pass. But if you make some oven mitts shaped like a cocker spaniel…well, I’d have to try them on first.